Crash n' Burn

I gotta take a breather. Quiet time. By myself, focusing on things that are good for me.

Instead of walking on the precipice with the constant fear of falling making me defensive and uptight. It's gotta stop now and i am the one who has to stop it.

Can't be blamed on him or him or circumstance or situation. i gotta cop to it. it's my shit and i actually know better than to let this happen.

But i am letting it happen. it is happening every day. i can look around the room and see evidence of apathy, of discontent. Of slippage.

Being lonely is desperate. It's ugly and pathetic and discouraging and heartbreaking. It is so tangible and so difficult to explain. It's so difficult to "have faith", as a friend of mine put it tonight - he said "don't let it suck you in, just have faith that the better you are, the better things will be."

I have heard all the clichés and platitudes. I've heard the psychobabble, i've taken the pills, i've said nice things to my naked body in the mirror.

And still i feel gnarled and twisted and misunderstood which in turn makes me cranky and bitter and unfit company.

I gotta get a foot-hold, and soon.